I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
