The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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