I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
