I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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