you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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