She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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