I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
