I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
