I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
