Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
