I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
