i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just puked most of my soul out..
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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