You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I met the friendliest cop last night
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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