haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
