Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
