This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I faked an abortion last night.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
