if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Come back. Shots need mouths.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
