K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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