tell your sister to shave her snatch
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
