Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
