Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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