I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
