she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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