The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
