I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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