he wants to bone in the snuggie
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
