I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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