The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I need moral support for this bender
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
