why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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