Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I want a musical about memes.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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