A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just invented taco cereal.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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