At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
