My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
