Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
