my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I think I won the penis lottery.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
