grandma shit on top of the toilet
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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