I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You ate ashes out of my bong
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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