I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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