i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
