haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
