I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
