How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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