I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
my liver is dry heaving
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
