my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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