I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i think i scared a bird with my dick
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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