Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
