Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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