Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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