I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
