Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
