Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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