I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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