Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
