see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize