Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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