Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
