meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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