so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
