my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
