Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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