Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize