Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
