And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize