I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
